Raising Independent Kids

Here’s a question for parents: When your kids are no longer dependent on you, what will they be dependent on?

I've been thinking quite a bit about legacy, which I discussed in my post Legacy Starts Now.  My parenting conviction, as my kids inch closer to adulthood, is that I'm slowly but surely transitioning my kids from being dependent on me, to being dependent on God.  This transition is perhaps the most critical task I'll  endeavor in this life.

This is my most important undertaking.  This is my great adventure; my Everest.  This is an incredible privilege, to take what God has given me and turn it back toward Him.  This is my act of love for my children.  This my truest form of worship to God.

If we as parents, have successfully transitioned our kids from dependence on us to dependence on God, then we can leave this life behind when the time comes without fear for them.  When the time comes, hopefully a long time from now, they'll be able to let mom and dad go without fear of their own. 
  
Some transitions take longer than others and some take a lifetime; every child is different.  But no matter how old they are or how their transition to knowing Jesus intimately is going, a parent's mission is to fight for them.  I can assure you it won't be easy, but what could possibly be more important? 

God willing, they’ll fly the nest with the confidence of knowing that God’s goodness and love will be right there with them on the way out and no matter what happens in this life, when it’s over, they’ll live in His house forever.

Psalm 23:6  Surely Your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

What Are We Doing?

“What are we doing?”  It’s a critical question that every leader and every organization needs to be able to answer.  Without a clear answer a leader isn’t leading and an organization or company is simply wandering aimlessly.  Without a defined target, you’re basically left hoping for a happy accident; not exactly a sure thing.

At Center Church we have a succinct answer: Helping People Know Jesus.  If anyone comes into contact with Center Church and wonders what we’re about, that’s it.

There’s also a succinct reason: Knowing Jesus is the gateway to every good thing that God wants to do in your life.  Jesus said, “No one comes to the Father, except through Me.” (John 14:6)  If that’s a true statement, then there simply is no other way to enter God’s Plan-A for your life than through a relationship with Jesus. 

Our passion is to help as many people as possible enter into God’s Plan-A for their lives through a relationship with Jesus.  This is why things like, telling people what God has done in your life, inviting friends and family to church, living as godly example and walking with God daily matter; because if you’ve come into a relationship with Jesus, you have a God-given purpose to help people know Jesus too.

Leadership Lesson From Abraham

What principle could I, an average husband, dad and all-all-around normal guy, possibly apply from the life of Abraham; one of the most influential people in the history of humanity?  I mean truthfully, I’m just trying to love my wife and kids to the best of my ability and use my God-given gifts and abilities to good work with my life.  So how can I really be like Abraham?

I don’t consider myself an extraordinary human being, but I do consider myself a leader.  I lead in my family, I lead in my community, I lead in my church, etc…and so do you.  In very many ways, you probably have more leadership influence than you think you do, and Abraham teaches us something critical (many things really) about how to be an effective leader.

The Abrahamic Leadership Principle is simple (btw, I just made that name up but it sounds like a real thing, doesn’t it?): God has given you gifts and abilities to lead and influence other lives, but those gifts and abilities are meaningless unless you use them to benefit others.  

Being in a position of authority is empowering.  Everyone enjoys the opportunity to be one of the cool kids and have a voice and decision-making power, but there’s nothing more annoying than someone in authority who’s self-absorbed.  Case and point, just look to the national leaders of both major political parties in America right now.  All most of us want them to do is stop talking and start serving the actual needs of actual people.

If your authority position terminates on you and your benefit, you’ll be like the loud kid in high school who everyone thought was cool and now has no idea where he is and probably doesn’t care where he is.  By definition, leadership can only be “leadership” if it involves influencing others.  Abraham spent his life moving others toward God’s Plan-A for them. He could have spent it comfortably in the palace instead but if he had, we would never have heard his name and any opportunity his leadership to be significant would have been lost.

Abraham's choice to live and lead for the benefit of others instead live for his own comfort shows us the delineation between success and significance. He had success as a prince, living in the palace.  But he chose to live a life that actually mattered by prioritizing the blessing of those he led instead of using his position solely for himself.

Legacy Starts Now

I'm planning, hoping mostly, that at the end of my life I'll be able to leave a little bit of money and/or assets as a blessing to my kids.  I'm taking some steps now to ensure, God willing, that the end of my life is as little of a burden to them as possible.  (Kids, if you're reading this, I'm a vocational pastor so there won't be a trust fund; sorry.  I hope that doesn't come as a shock.)

As I get older and so do my kids, the question of legacy becomes more of a relevant issue.  I have no idea how my life will end, but one thing I know for sure is that my kids' biggest need isn't money. Right now they're not directly dependent on it at all; they have almost no need for their own financial resources. They just know that their parents will account for their needs.  When they have need of a material thing, they ask one of us.  Sometimes we say "no," but they have never been without a necessity.

Right now, I'm training them to slowly be less dependent on my wife and I.  I think that is a the fundamental role of a parent: raising our kids to be independent of us.  Someday in the not-so-distant future, they won't need me anymore and I'm good with that.

This process of raising our kids to leave home and be independent of us, begs a question for parents:  Other than money, what kind of legacy do you want to leave for your children?

I'm not anticipating my parents leaving me any money (though I'll take it if they do), but they have already cemented their legacy in my mind.  They taught me how to be faithful to God and ferociously devoted to my wife and kids.  They showed me how to turn the most awful situation (like, losing a child) into a redemptive part of their story.  What do you want your legacy to be?

Psalm 90:12 says, Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom. NLT   Life is short.  Just ask anyone who's currently in their 70's or 80's and they'll confirm that truth.  What things will spring to life for future generations from the seed you're currently planting?  Perhaps your true greatness will only be seen when future generations sit in the shade of trees you planted knowing that you'd never personally enjoy the shade for yourself?  

Life is, in fact, short.  Don't wait until you can see the finish line to begin building your legacy as a firm foundation for future generations.

The 1st Day of School

Today was the 1st day of school in our house.  We have a 1st time high schooler, a middle schooler and an elementary student; just saying it is chaotic.  I took 2 hours out of my day doing drop-offs and pick-ups.  Not exactly something that a work-lover reflects on with satisfaction. 

At the end of the day, my high-schooler was a bit overwhelmed by the chaos of his first day in such a large school.  The middle child was elated beyond measure to be reunited with her friends and the youngest was exhausted because the day was “soooo long.”  All of those things; chaos, elation and exhaustion are magnified by the moment.  They’re a bigger deal than they should be, simply because it’s the 1st day.  All of them will be business as usual by next week.

In life, when we face a crisis, a disappointment, an opportunity, unfamiliar territory or some other significant moment, it’s important to recognize the context.  Sometimes, things seem overwhelming in the moment but if we give ourselves even a few hours of perspective, they return to their actual size.

Psalm 33:20 says We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.  Perhaps we were designed to be less anxious and more faith-full.  God’s track record is good so let the moment breathe a little.  It’s okay to let Him handle it; it’s not irresponsibility or naivety, it’s faith and good judgement.